One may think, “wtf Kris, what the hell do roller coasters have to do with butterflies?” Let me explain…
First off some history. I’ve dated, a lot. I like men and women. I like being taken care of. I’m getting married.
Fact: I love Tim.
Fact: I started the talk about marriage/getting married.
Fact: I was the one who pushed to look at rings.
Fact: I now have cold feet and butterflies and the wedding is May/June 2010
Okay with that said, I don’t know if it is cold feet or a fight or flight reaction to never dating again but I feel like running. I love Tim but it scares me that this is it, final, no more random dates, no more wild parties, no more boobs. I will never know the company of another woman again. I feel like I’m morning the loss of my single life when in truth I haven’t dated anyone but Tim for over a year and a half. I know this sounds awful but this is how it is.
There was a point when I was 20 when I was so flipping ready for marriage. I wanted the house, white fence, 2.5 kids, dog… even the family van. I was dating a man who was completely opposite of myself at that point in time, but that is also why I fell so quickly and completely for him. I personally think it was a matter of each of ourselves finding out who the hell we were and what we wanted in life that broke up the relationship. Regardless, it was messy and painful and with that said I still think of him time to time and wonder what would happen if we would have met later on in life. Mind you, I’m still hurt by what happened between us and want nothing to very little to do with him now.
Now at 23 I love my apartment, am selling my car and getting a scooter, want a career so I’m getting my MFA, and have a cat. I’m also with a man that wants the married life, house, but not the dog… he likes cats better. I’m much more reserved with my feelings now and do not allow myself to completely fall. Edit, it isn’t that I don’t allow it… I’m no longer capable to completely fall, I’m not that optimistic anymore.
I’ve had my share of “open” relationships, they are okay but I don’t like that something like a romantic relationship can be so loose, I don’t like sharing. When I’m in a normal relationship though, I feel closed in. I really enjoy my independence even though I don’t think that I’ve been single for more than 4 months straight since I was 15. Edit, I have been single for more than 4 months since I was 15, twice and after two relationships which ended poorly and I honestly feel that I’m still licking my wounds from both of them. That is what is giving me cold feet, I haven’t been alone very long and I’m still hurt and confused from those two relationships mentioned earlier. I try really hard to not think about them and to just distance myself because I love Tim but they still come up. I also can’t talk to Tim about this because it would hurt him and that is the last thing I want to do. I feel trapped and in hindsight I should have talked to Tim months ago about this.
