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So even though Will is off at Coach’s college he called me in the middle of the day today, it made me feel special! ::glow!::
Will left today for Coach’s College. I don’t really know what to do with my self right now, it is so quiet now. Bruno is in his room listening to music, I believe it is Modest Mouse. And I just finished watching Patch Adams… I feel content for the first time I think. Will and I were chatting about that last night, being content. I’ve never been content with anything because then I feel like I’m settling or just making do. If I was content with my life I don’t think that I would work as hard as I do, I’ve always wanted something better for myself then what I had at the present time. But just relaxing in Will’s little home and setting up panels for painting is making me feel the most complete that I’ve every felt. I think that because I’m working again is a huge help. It makes me feel like I’m doing the right thing and I like that. I know that Will isn’t here and if he was it would make the moment perfect. But I’m not focusing that he psychically isn’t here, his stuff is all around me. I can see his glasses and think of the way he looks in them or I can lay in his bed and almost feel like he is there with me. It is all very new, knowing that I’m alone but not caring because I know also that someone loves me. Now I’m beginning to understand why Will isn’t driven nuts by my hair on the pillows or when I clean for him right before I leave for Cincinnati. It is really nice that I could live like this and be content but even better I’m completely happy. For the weekend through I’m off to Cincinnati. My parents miss me and I have stuff to finish up there. And after the drama from last weekend and the chaos from earlier this week I’m looking forward to my boring Cincinnati weekend, the only thing that I’m dreading is the drive.
Okay so Indiana is such a drama-rama. I was staying at one of James’ old student’s homes while I was here, well not anymore. Let’s just say that sleeping around and handing out free room to people that I’ve heard nothing good about is a good way to loss a roommate. But with that move something good did happen, I’ve moved in with Will. I was really worried about it till last night. I didn’t want to be a bother and drive him nuts with my habits (clean clean clean!). But yes last night, I went to bed before he did since I have very early mornings and when he came in to go to bed I sort of woke up but didn’t move because well I didn’t think anything of it. When he got into bed though he hugged me and told the “sleeping” me that he loved me and that he was glad that I was there. I was really happy to hear him say that but what made it even better was that when I decided that I wasn’t going back to sleep right way so I openned my eyes he told me it again. It was just a great feeling that’s all I’m saying.
But on a different note, if you live in an apt. don’t paint the walls a gay blue. Come on people, someone’s got to paint over that shit when you move out. And right now that someone is yours’ truely. Working is good, money may be the root of all evil but it fucking sucks when you don’t have it. And I’m baby-sitting for James again, right now hence the broken post. Kids are werid… hmm James should be home by now. ::angry face!::
Sometimes I hate the internet. It isn’t the pop ups or the spam I find daily or even the viruses that are out there it is more of the things you read.
I have a fear that my relationship with Will is ending and if it does I don’t know how I’m going to smile. I’ve done something wrong and I don’t know what it is, I should have cooked for him more or been less annoying.
I smiled when I saw that he updated his blog today, I’ve always enjoyed reading it. I know that he is under a lot of pressure lately from family issues and River City Fencing so I wasn’t going to bug him about updating any time soon. But then I read it and I started crying, it was about the stress going on for him but 2/3 of the update was stress with me. At first I was angry that he would post that before even talking to me but then I realized that I do the same thing. It is much easier to “talk” to the internet and express what is going on, more importantly though Will and I both use blogging as a way to figure our thoughts out. But then I just felt hollow and confused.
I don’t know what to do and I’m not getting any help from anyone. I don’t ask my friends for help with my relationship with Will, that would make the friendship to personal for me. I have to have some sort of distance in most of my relationships, even with Will. I can’t allow myself to get attached because relationships are only temporary and it will not hurt when they end if I do have that distance between us. But the main problem is that I’ve started to let my guard down with Will, so this is tearing me up inside. I’m in a different state, away from my family and the comforting thought of my friends (that they could make me smile) and I don’t know what to do. Sometimes I think that me coming to Indiana to study classical art was a huge mistake. Yes I’ve learned more here in just 2 weeks of classes then all 2 years at AAC but I also killed my relationship with Will. I could be back at home with my mom watching a movie and laughing or working and not being dirt poor. I could still have my prefect relationship with Will and nothing would have change if I would have never come here. I’m an idiot for thinking that Indiana was a great idea. I just want to wake up and have everything back to normal.
Fine, I admit it I’m over organized. I just bought a notebook so I could journal/record my summer in Indiana. I was looking at my little stack of notes, lists, etc and the fan kept hitting them so it was snowing paper on and off in my room. I wanted to keep them for some reason so I started taping them into my new notebook. I want to see how many list and notes I write in a set time so this way I can keep it organized. Yeah I’m pretty sure that I’m going to fall behind on this project just like all of the other ones I’ve been doing this summer but it might turn out to be interesting after all. I figure also when I go back to school and talk to the few teachers that know about my “something new” project that I could use the notebook as research also with the blogging action.
