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OH MY FUCKING GOD! I’m in panic mode at school. I’m drowning in work and it is just getting to the point where there is so much to do that I’m doing nothing.
Project list:
-Fresco family photo album, total of 8 finished frescoes
-Wall fresco, 27X45 self portrait
-Fresco paper on the restoration of the Sistine Chapel
-Still life/poem painting
-Self portrait painting (which I haven’t even started yet)
-Oral report this Friday, on the signs and symbol in American subculture fashion
-Genetics exam on the 13th
Yeah, I’m pretty fucked and my head isn’t even in the game now…. I’m still debating with myself on relationship stuff.
When I was in high school I used to think that everything would get easier once I was in college. Well things aren’t easier or harder now, they are just more complicated.
Tonight I did something that I don’t know if I should have, I started to fill Victor in on my history. I know that it is all in the past and that it can’t cause me anymore harm, but part of me can’t help but to feel broken. Things are the way they are because of personal experiences, that’s it. My history is part of me and my persona but why can’t I help to feel complete helpless when I think about it. Even just talking about it makes me feel like I’m still there, like I’m still some dumb teenager just hoping for the time to past on to something better.
My mind is a bit lost in my relationship status. I feel bad about it too, I’m normally so planned out and collected. I don’t care anymore if I have a title or not but I don’t know why. I need to figure out what I’m looking for before I jump into something. I want to feel protected by some unseen shield that will make everything okay. I don’t want to be protected from hurt or confusion, that is life and who would want to be stopped from living, but I just want a feeling that I’m doing the right thing. I want my mom to hug me and tell me I’m a good girl with a good head on her shoulders. I miss my dad a lot today for some reason, I was thinking about him earlier and almost started to cry. I don’t get it, the messages that I’m receiving aren’t computing with my OS or something…. I just miss NY, things made sense there even though I know it was because I was so young. Why is everything so complicated?
Back in high school my good friend Chensi and I came up with a theory about why Asian parents don’t like their daughters to date. We found that guys must be magical and have flying sperm, all you have to do is sit near one and BLAM you are with child and holding hands? Oh no, that is out of the question the sperm will still get you. Really is it true, this is why Mihee eats so much, it’s all Steve’s fault.
But I’ve been eating a ton today and I just figured out why, it has to be flying sperm. The thing is that I’ve gone on many dates before and this has never happened before. So Mihee and and I were chatting about this and figured that since Steve is chinese and since I just had a date with Victor who is also chinese it must be that only chinese guys have flying sperm. So there it is, the new addition to an old theory: Only chinese guys have flying sperm.
Since Jon told me that I could see other people I decided to do that, I’m tried of feeling like second best and just an object for him to hold at night.
I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t giddy and glowing all day today though. I had a great date on Saturday with Victor, a UC med student. We went out to see the movie “Bobby,” which I think that everyone should see, and then we went to Aoi. The movie was so good, the story lines, music, lighting, even the way they filmed it were beautiful and it held my attention through the whole film. And the food at Aoi was very good, I still like Ko-sho better but it was tasty. But the company was the best out of everything, I really enjoyed myself. It was so nice to go on a date with an adult. We have already talked a little about a second date, I’m thinking about taking Victor to the Cincinnati Art Museum. He is new to the area and I think that everyone should go to CAM at least once. I also want to take him to the Krohn and to show him the look outs behind it… I think that he would like that a lot.
My math needs more sleep. I’m working on a project for the godly Connie and I basically have to make a wooden book for frescos. But I thought that I bought enough wood but nope; I fail, get an F, and have to put out another 25 dollars for casting to make more frames. I was off by 21 feet, damn my math needs more sleep. But I did get a new toy, a milter saw. I’m still grinning ear to ear about it. I just have to look at it and the saw smiles back and shouts, “look at me, I’m a saw and you own me!” Okay, well not really but that is what I like to pretend what happens.
LINK!
http://www.lowes.com/lowes/lkn?action=productDetail&productId=116704-67702-C10FCE&lpage=none
