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I’m on family overload. Earlier I was fuming about my step-mother, we’ve always butted heads but I think I’m at my breaking point. I try really hard to make her proud of me but I never am good enough. She isn’t a bad person, I don’t think that she knows (or cares to know) how she comes off to people, but she is just very “go go go look at me I’m a big business woman.” Just because I’m not in a famous school, or that I’m not religious, or even that I’m an artist makes me less of a human in her eyes. At least this is how she makes me feel. I’ve been very luck to have my parents help me with my future, they have paid for my undergraduate degree. This fact (in short) pisses the hell out of my step-mother. She always talks up the people who have worked their way through college and thinks less of the people who were helped. I hate this. I don’t think that because the state of NY told my parents that if one of them paid for college the other one had too makes me a bad person. (Hooray divorced parents and child laws…. what a pile of shit they are, not the parents the laws.) There are other things too, but I am just tired of trying to be someone that I am not. It isn’t worth it, I’m never going to be anything more than just her husband’s daughter. I’m never going to be a CEO big shot on wall street, I don’t want that… but that is the only way for her to respect me. I really thought that over the past year we were building a relationship… maybe I am stupid and worthless for being so disillusioned.
As I was checking my email tonght I realized that I haven’t really posted in almost a month… sorry everyone I promise I didn’t die I’ve just be busy. Well that is the easy way out, yes I could have posted something but I didn’t want too. A quick recap of the past month (or as much as I can remember):
- Christmas, stressful but excellent
- Relationship with Tim is still smooth sailing but I miss him terribly
- Visited Tim and his family in Michigan (two thumbs up)
- Was back at my favorite hospital for a pelvic MRI (two thumbs down)
- Found nothing in the MRI (one thumb up, one down)
- Now in NY with family for the New Year and Russian Christmas
Throw in some thesis work, art shit, pain killers, and one drunken night and that is pretty much it… oh what a glamorous life I have.
